❤️❤️❤️
#blessed
My sweet boy!
Precious😍
Not that anything is wrong with captions like that, but this time, none of them just seemed to do. Why? Because although all of those things are true, it would lead to this facade of what I was actually feeling in that moment. At that moment, I just couldn't have 800+ people thinking that I've got it all together. I know so many new moms that are in the thick of raising newborns and toddlers right now, and I couldn't allow thoughts like "Lucky. Her newborn must be sleeping since she's able to be taking pictures of her other kid" or "Her toddler sleeps so good. I mean, gosh it's 9:30 and he's still in bed." Because what that picture doesn't show is the 1:00 am struggle of my husband still trying to get that toddler to sleep while I'm in the other room pleading with my (almost) 3 month old to succumb to sleep as well. Or the non-existent nap time for the toddler causing him to be overly tired. The tears of both child and mother the day before. Both out of frustration. One needing more attention, and one perhaps needing a little bit LESS attention mixed with a tinge of feeling like a failure. Or that ruffle-y gray pillow? One might think we have a nice little bedding set going on. But the fact is, I have a baby boy on my hands that has a fountain go off more often than not during a diaper change, so it's been mix matched with different colored sheets, comforters and quilts for the last couple of months. No matching set ever being clean at the same time. (I mean, come on, who has time for that at 2am?) That picture doesn't show an equally as sweet baby cooing in his sleep just inches away. Or what about the picture of his lunch made of spinach leaves with light raspberry vinaigrette and tuna salad made with avocado? That doesn't show his supper that consisted of a Sonic cheeseburger and chips. Or that time I felt like #supermom wearing my baby while I did the dishes with my toddler quiet playing at my feet, which was immediately followed by a tornado-like scene of clothes being hurled towards the laundry room due to projectile spit up with a screaming toddler in it's midst. We do that, ya know? Catch a glimpse into someone else's life and think you know the whole story, and then start to compare to what's going on in our own lives. The part that nobody else sees unless they're there. In person. You see someone's good and think you need to get your life together. Or you see someone else's failure and your pride steps it up a notch. So, the final caption to that picture?
"We have definitely entered the phase that everyone warns you about when you add a new baby to the family. It's been a rough few days. Three is not an easy age in and of itself, and the jealousy of little brother has hit full force. Our last few days have been filled with more frustration than peace, and more tears than laughs, but we're a family that perseveres and loves hard. We're going to be just fine. God knew how bad I needed this view and extra snuggles this morning. My sweet Ace. You've got the biggest heart.❤️ #reallife"
One might read that and think..."she wants sympathy" or "she's dealing with postpartum hormones". Or on the other side of that, and the response it got the most,"Amen, I can relate!" You see, I'm called to live this life as transparent as I can. Transparency. Just the calling I longed for.😉
Growing up I was heavily involved in church and youth group. I was at every event and on every mission trip. I played multiple sports beyond just my school teams. Throughout college, I was involved in different clubs, intramural sports, a sorority, and I was a cheerleader at a junior college after never cheering a day in my life. I was a junior high and high school teacher. I've coached volleyball, basketball, softball and gymnastics from ages 3-18.. And I've served alongside my husband as he stepped into the youth pastor role at a church we attended for a couple of years. I always had a platform to be used as a tool for God's handiwork. And, honestly, I rarely took advantage of that. Mainly because I was so immature in my Christian walk, but a lot has do with that's just not the norm. I would be transparent, but only on MY terms. When I wanted to be and with whom I wanted to be.
We're no longer serving in that role of youth pastor, as our lives are going down a different path right now. My main job comes with the title of 'Momma', even though I do have a part-time in-home job, as well. There are no coworkers, no students, no colleagues or teammates. I've known my whole life that I was made to be a wife and a mom. I pour my heart into my husband and my kids. The thing with my husband is, I benefit from pouring myself into our relationship. Not just him. Not just our kids. And my kids? Well, my husband and I say that our goal in parenthood is to raise God-fearing adults with compassion for others. Adults that have a deep relationship with Him. Not just "good kids". With kids, you can put every ounce of effort you have into guiding them and not see any fruit right away. It might be years even. Or, most often for us, that fruit ripens when we aren't even around to see it. When they're on someone else's clock. Sometimes that can be discouraging if I let it. I mean, come on, I want to see the fruits of my labor. But you know what? It's not about me. It's about Him. But for a long time, I questioned if God would ever grant me one of those big platforms again. You know the ones with the opportunity to bring a lot of people to Christ. The ones that people tell you how much you helped shape their walk with Him even years down the road. Not just ones that bring my own kids to know Him, but others as well. Because I naturally feel as if it's just my responsibility that comes with the territory of being a parent. For me to stay home with the kids, there isn't much money lying around for huge mission trips to give hope to those that are in need of it. There are no coworkers across down the hall, or at the adjacent cubicle, to speak truth to. There are no amazing vocals coming out of this mouth with the ability to move people to tears during worship. And with us transitioning to a new church, there isn't the influence we've had before to lead a group. Will He ever give me a stage again? But He knows me better than I know myself. He knows exactly what I need. He knows that if He were to give me a big stage, I might just get a little prideful. And maybe even so preoccupied with the busywork that's comes with a position like that, that it would be so easy for me to push my obedience to Him to the side. I honestly believe He had to strip those "platforms" away so that I would solely seek Him.
The other day I was telling my husband all of these things, and apparently he had been thinking along this same topic in his own mind too. It's funny. About a year ago, he prayed over our marriage. That God would sync our minds and our hearts. If you ever want some incredible mind-blowing experiences in your marriage, pray for that. So this wasn't out of the ordinary for us. It's almost a daily thing. He told me that he had been praying about this same thing, asking God if he'd ever have a big platform where he would be used. Like to lead a group, a church or maybe even plant a church. (We dream big around here!) He told me as he was praying about this, God spoke softly to his heart, "If you don't utilize what you think is a small platform for My Kingdom, why do you think you're ready for what you see as a big one? Do you pray with your family daily? Do you tell you kids about what Jesus is doing in your life so that they see how alive I am? Do you move when I say go?" And it got me to thinking, my life IS my platform. My daily life. And so is yours. How we carry ourselves, how we dress, how we talk, how we care for others, or take the time to notice someone. How we invest in relationships. Whether it's in the ones that we'll have for a lifetime, or the ones that last just the split second we have to smile at a passerby. If you're anything like me, you tend to have a word that pops up for different seasons of your life. The one that has continued to show itself almost daily in my life over the past two years is humility. Yeah, not the the word I'm anxiously waiting to experience. Not love, kindness, wisdom or faithfulness. No, humility. In the beginning I had no idea where God was going with that one, but over the years it's become more evident. I'm called to tear down the barriers of my life that we're so quick to put up. I'm called to share my sufferings with you. Taking myself out of the equation. Taking up my cross daily and laying down my own desires so that His Will may be seen.
So, I want to encourage you. No matter where you are in life, whether you have a "big platform" or a small one, God can, and will, use you because He is so much greater than any circumstance, job title or label. All you have to do is open your heart, follow hard after Him and let Him fill you to overflowing. It may not always be fun. And most of the time, He'll have you go out of your comfort zone. (Hello, blog.) Live boldly anyway. You never know who He'll use you to reach. Literally, you may never know them. But it isn't really about us anyway, right? So let's use the tools He's given us. Afterall, they were His to begin with.
"For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5
"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21
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